Coping with compassion

Being a parent of a child with migraine

A blog by Dr Kate Brierton on the importance of compassion for parents of a child with migraine

The journey for parents of a child with migraine can be hard. You know there is something very wrong with your child, but getting a correct diagnosis can be tricky. The medical professionals may not believe you at first and even family and friends can fail to fully understand all the challenges you are going through. After all, your child looks fine most of the time. If your child is school age, they may be absent from school frequently, and you may be pressured by the staff to provide evidence for their illness. Even after a diagnosis, many of the treatments involve changes in your child’s lifestyle that you are responsible for and that increase the challenge in parenting, for example following a specific diet or trying to make sure your child gets adequate sleep. If these treatments fail to help, you may feel like you are personally failing in some way. In short, at best, you may often feel as if no-one truly understands your situation, and at worst, that there is some implication it’s your fault.

Even when you know in your hearts of hearts, there is something seriously wrong with your child and it’s not your fault, the constant invalidation of those around you can make you doubt yourself. Seeing a child in pain is extremely difficult for any parent and is likely to produce high levels of anxiety. Feeling in any way responsible for this pain induces shame, a horrible emotion which threatens our self-concept as a “good parent” and makes us feel as if we want to hide away from others. You may constantly worry about whether you are doing enough to reduce the frequency of the migraines, and also about the consequences for your child’s future, such as exam results, career and relationships.

The first step to dealing with all these feelings is to develop self-compassion for the situation you find yourself in. Take a few deep breaths and acknowledge: it’s not your fault. You did not choose for your child to have this condition. Acknowledge that the condition is definitely real, with increasing amounts of research being done in this area, despite the fact that many people are unaware of the extent and the prevalence of migraine. The migraines are far more than “just a headache” (a common misperception) and you know that anyone who had witnessed your child experiencing an episode would understand this.

Secondly, acknowledge that your life as a parent is more difficult now that your child has a chronic condition. You are allowed to feel sad about this. In fact, rather than being self-indulgent, feeling sad and grieving is an important step in facing up to the condition and it will help you make the changes it requires in your everyday life. There may be certain experiences that will be more difficult with your child, certain things you may feel your child is missing out on. You have to make sacrifices in your own life, like reducing your working hours or changing your career. However, after a period of grieving, you may be able to also see that there are positive things too. You may get to spend more time together with your child or you may feel closer to your family now, as you unite in facing the challenges you experience. You may also feel real gratitude in times of good health and when your child is migraine free, things that are taken for granted by others.

Now that you have acknowledged your life is more difficult, look for the help and support of others. Say yes to offers of help, without needing to feel guilty, as you and your family are legitimately in need of help. Let your close friends know what would be most helpful and ask for their support. This will be different for different people, some people might ask someone to babysit so they can spend some much needed time relaxing with their partner; others might ask for help shopping or with the school run. As much as possible stay connected with people. The emotion of shame makes you feel as if you want to isolate yourself — be aware of this feeling and actively work against it. Support groups of parents who have children with chronic health problems are likely to be particularly helpful, as these people have a real understanding of what your life is like.

Finally, focus on your own self-care. To be the best parent for your child, you need to prioritise your own self-care. This is not selfish; this is necessary — you are the most important person in their life, so you need to look after yourself. What do you need more of? How can you achieve this? Are you looking after your own physical health? Emotional health? Your relationships? If not, develop a plan for these three areas. What is one simple thing you could achieve in each of these areas today? Perhaps you could go for a walk, try a meditation app and message a friend to chat. Start now — don’t make yourself wait any longer.

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