Your Best Present Ever

From your real first…the only one that matters

Dear Kiki,

Well, well, well. It’s been a long time, hasn’t it? Remember me? I’m the gift of pleasures past, a gift that you spent many hours with many moons ago. A gift that you used over and over again until you wore me out completely and wore yourself out in the process. We went through many packs of batteries together, you and I, and you could not have been happier. Or hornier.

Did I take your virginity? Absolutely not! But I also didn’t cheat on you and gaslight the shit out of you for being upset about my behavior. In fact, I was there for you, really there for you. I was there for one reason and one reason only — to give you unbelievable pleasure and really help you get to know what you liked, what you didn’t like, and how you should be touched.

I came to you in the days long before the Internet, long before you could get me with the click of a mouse. In fact, you had to get catalogs in the mail to find out about me. And you had to wait until you were 21 to buy me — although truth be told, you probably could have gotten away with buying me much sooner. You selected me over countless friends, filled out the order form, wrote up a check and put everything in the mail when it was ready to go. Then you waited. And waited. Those few weeks felt like an eternity as you fumbled through the mediocre encounters with mediocre partners that were on your menu back then. But honestly, as I’m sure you know now, you would have been better off ditching them and just letting your fingers do the walking, crawling in and out of you with speed and determination that would set your whole body ablaze. But for some reason back then, you didn’t like to fidget with your digits, you wanted something more. Something bigger, thicker, harder, and with more power than you’d had before. Something pink. Something like…

Me.

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