Finding Integrity

And eliminating self-sabotage.

It has been an intense time for epiphanies. I probably brought some of that on myself by meditating on what I need to change to get on the highest timeline for my life. Turns out, I need to use my words. Oh, the irony. I learn a lot from watching other people, so I want to share this piece of my journey in the hope it will spark something in you.

My definition of “integrity” is when thoughts, words, and deeds are all aligned. Many people have a disconnect between their words and their deeds — lots of talk with no action. I’m good there; if I say it, it’s going to happen. The place I was out of whack was between my thoughts and my words. I was working under the assumption that my thoughts were only in my head, thus totally under my control. In reality, my thoughts were there to guide me, and needed to be taken seriously.

For example, I have been accused (really by only one person, now that I think of it) of being too rigid and controlling. In an effort to be more “easy going” I have fallen into a pattern of saying, “No worries,” when I really mean, “I’ll get over it, but please don’t make it a habit.” If people are under the impression that I don’t mind a certain behavior, of course they are going to make it a habit.

This new habit they are displaying, which I don’t like but have voiced no objection to, becomes tiresome and unsustainable. Eventually, I just leave the situation. I find myself alone (again), which is my personal flavor of self-sabotage. My self-sabotage is directly caused by my lack of communication. Again, the irony!

The other piece of this puzzle comes from projecting my needs. I thrive when I feel secure in my relationships, so I strive to make others feel secure. For me, security means consistency, dependability, and emotional responsibility (not throwing their baggage at me). Security may not be a issue for others in my life, and providing it definitely doesn’t guarantee it will be returned.

Additionally, providing others with an environment of safety and security, without boundaries and expectation, usually results in a lack of growth. We all grow faster when we are less comfortable, or at least challenged to meet a mark. By not verbalizing my needs, I am basically hurting people around me. I have seen people get more and more destructive in search of a boundary. I really should have learned this lesson before now. Most of this is information I already had, but this is the first time it came into a strait line to my own self-sabotage. The layers of human psychology are fascinating!

For the first day of this revelation I was a bit shell-shocked, with no idea of how to proceed. It has now been 48 hours, and it feels totally natural to say what I actually mean. I think awareness was the important part, not implementation. The point being, just sit with your revelations for a bit, and they will work themselves into your reality. It only takes effort if you resist. All these shift are just saying goodbye to your old self as we move into personal integrity.

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