live up to the last edit

why it comes through without. an anchor just to let it steep in something other. questioning the delegate. walked down the hill to the reservoir. so clear & delineated. no mess to line the walk with muddy rumination. no distraction. almost at the precipice of floating free. hints of what may come in the way you speak of some past of which i will never be a part. if what had happened was truly the only nightmare. now i’m back where i was with the memory of what it is to tend to specific space & have that be enough. maybe there are some people whose timelines never truly align with your own. i read something asking how hard the universe will push to keep two souls together. wondered what the fight was. i fell off of watching. watching my baby try to flip herself over, turn herself around. falling back into the question of what it means to plan. maybe in line with what it means to live. mostly i just need to stretch. can we go backward in conscious time is the thing i keep asking myself these days. or once it’s there is it there for good. or, of course it’s there for good, more specifically though. in this one time, i mean.

it does collapse when you let it. but what of the version of someone by your side. if i go too wide i loose track. something to be said for a shapeshifter but what when you lose the density entirely or forget preferences altogether. i only thought i thrived on houseplant air & collected corners. then i went somewhere else & forgot all about it. tended instead to the variety of weeds. in this world it gets closer & further away. went to see avatar again. the next day drew the octopus, the whale, the lizard in that order. the day before it had been the tiger, the lion, the fox. later that day, a woman at the transfer station told me a deity by my name rode a tiger, “or was it a lion?” she asked. & i said, “oh, that makes sense,” & she walked away. sat with her friend on the bench & they smoked cigarettes talking about some old man whose lady was jealous. so they said.

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