Embracing the normal

I knew I needed a resolution not just to change, but to usher in a new life that could serve me in the long run.

Last week was my first week of living my new, completely normal life.

I worked Monday-Friday from 8:00–5:00.
I came home and cooked dinner.
I wrote a few pages of my screenplay every day.
I went to the gym.
I bought a house plant.
I went on a date with my boyfriend.
I spent quality time with my son.

It’s normal and perhaps a little boring on the surface, but it’s also sustainable and healthy.

In 2015, I returned to college to finish a BFA while also working as a self-employed photographer. A year later I was doing all that plus working part-time as a writer. Six months later, my part-time job became full-time. Plus I got divorced.

By the end of 2018 and my last semester of college, I was a single mother working two jobs and taking 15 credit hours. I also had two screenplays in the hopper with two separate producers, a new promotion at work that I couldn’t keep up with, a boyfriend/relationship I was emotionally neglecting, and an extended family I was avoiding because I didn’t know how to be around people anymore — especially people who cared about me and were worried.

When I would tell friends and coworkers what I was up to all the time and why I couldn’t come to parties, happy hours, girls nights, volunteering events, etc., they would respond with some version of, “Wow. That’s impressive. You’re amazing.”

But I wasn’t amazing. I was burning myself out to the point that I was a miserable, emotional wreck pretty much every day. I was giving all of myself to outside commitments and was left completely empty when it came time to give something back to myself.

As Americans, we tend to glamorize and celebrate people who do this to themselves. We don’t glamorize and celebrate our respect for our bodies and mental health. We don’t give people things like tools to meditate the way we give them tools to study for a test or ace an interview. We’re so busy worrying about intangible things like success, dedication, results and goals and what achieving those things says about us, that we completely sacrifice tangible and irreplaceable things like health, exercise, nutrition and sleep.

I’ve spent two years of my writing career reporting on the lives and successes of entrepreneurs and highly-successful tech professionals. Rarely do any of them ever talk about how self-care and self-respect routines have played a part in their ability to cope with the pressures of their demanding careers. They pretend like they aren’t sacrificing their own well-being for the forward momentum of their professional lives.

I know that’s what they’re doing because up until a month ago, I was doing it too.

I kept telling myself after this one thing is off my plate, then I will fix myself. After I shoot this last wedding. After I finish college. After I check off everything on this to-do list.

My boyfriend (a proponent of self-care, meditation and mindfulness) gently pointed out to me that self-care is not something you pencil in for a future date like a dentist appointment or a dinner with your parents. It is not something you do when you have leftover time — it’s something you make time for. It’s as simple as setting a five-minute timer and sitting quietly until it goes off.

But when life is so far in the shit, when you’re so close to the brink of crashing and burning, even returning five mindful minutes to yourself feels like an impossible task.

I let everything go too far and get out of hand. And yes, I have shot my last wedding, finished college, taken a giant chunk out of my to-do list, and am now starting to take proper care of myself.

I have just lived an entire week in a healthy, mindful state.

I survived.

But I’m an example of how not to do it.

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